title: The Body Genius, Part 3
author: The Truth
contenttype: podcast
publication: The Truth
published: 2019-05-01T20:00:00-04:00
sourceurl: https://www.podtrac.com/pts/redirect.mp3/dovetail.prxu.org//97/ad4f60c5-0e58-4d7c-bc0a-9eb6f52c053b/TheBodyGeniusPart_3.mp3
word_count: 3824
This episode of the Truth includes strong language and violence. Please use listener discretion. You ever seen one of those photos where somebody's pointing a gun right at the camera? Like a rapper or a cowboy or somebody else cool? And when you see it in a magazine you're like, Hell yeah man, that's awesome, shoot me in the face! Turns out the feelings you have when somebody points a gun at you in real life are almost the exact opposite. That's what I figured out when Nina Chessman pointed that pistol at me in her weird garage. This isn't a propaganda, okay? It's from my personal collection, so I guess you better do what I say. Listen, um, man, okay. I saw you sneaking out of my crowd scene. No, I'm not, I'm not. I've been on to you rats for months. You spies, signing on as extras and then snapping pictures of my effects so you can send them back to Brian Guilletti or 10V or the catcher brothers. I do not know who those people are. Hacks, horror directors. They've got one good idea between them and it's to rip me off. Who sent you? Um, me, I sent me. I sent myself. You're your own spy. I'm, no, I'm not a spy at all. I just, I was just sneaking around looking at stuff. That's a spy, shithead. No, I'm just a personal trainer. Sit down in that chair. There's a rubber guy in that chair. Then push him out of the way, Mr. Packs. Come on, move it. Good. Now, why is a personal trainer sneaking around my set? I'm trying to clear my name of Wesley Stern's murder. Wesley Stern died in a weight machine accident. Okay. Well, see that's the thing, right? Some people think that he got murdered and some people like this one detective think that I set that machine to kill him, but I definitely didn't. Wesley was murdered? Goddamnit. Why don't I know that? He's the star of my goddamn movie, man. Those studio fucks are always trying to manage me. I can't stand being managed. God! Why do they think you killed him? I don't know. Because we yelled at each other sometimes. And the machine was in a password protected trainer mode. Oh, and I guess because I was the one who found him. Whoa, whoa, whoa, holy shit. You saw him in that machine. Oh, popped like a pimple. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, man. Brain dude, have we met officially? I'm Nina Chessman, the director. You like horror flicks? Could you put the gun away? Yes, yes, I could put the gun away. I get why you'd want that. Sorry. There. Gun gone. Thank you. So tell me about Wesley. What exactly happened to his head? Was it more crushed or ripped open? Because I've heard different things. Oh, um, well... Let me explain. Okay, I get all the blood and gut stuff right in my movies. Okay, nobody comes close. Maybe he'd deadgy Fujiwara. Everyone else, I'm 10 steps ahead of him. Gore-wise. So when I get a first-hand account of somebody dying in a weird new way, that's like, uh, okay, what's a magazine that you're really into? Max Fitness Monthly. That's like a new issue of Max Fitness Monthly to me. Okay. Um, so where do you want me to start? I tell you what. We just wrapped. How about a fire up a couple of steaks, pour out some wine, and you describe it to me over dinner? And maybe I can help you with your police problem. Yeah. Okay. Tight. I had been invited deeper into Nina Chastman's web. But was it a spider's web or the web of some kind of good, helpful bug? Either way, the protein in that steak was calling to me. A good steak would clear my head. This is the body genius, the five-part story on the truth. Part three, the future of fitness. Now back to the body genius. And then the cushion from the bucklaster held his horribly bad. I told Nina everything I remembered about that morning. The whole time she was jotting stuff down in a nail pad, like I used to see kids do in school. And no matter how gross the details got, she kept eating. Jesus. Poor Wesley. Hey, speaking of Wesley, those rubber things they look just like him in your garage. What are those? Stunt dummies, you know, so we could hack Wesley up in the movie. There's a hundred more of them in my warehouse filled with fake blood. Whoa. Why so many? Well, in the movie, Immortal Cop gets chopped up a lot, right? And his parts all grow back. A normal talentless filmmaker would have done that digitally. I went with rubber. But Wesley died in real life, so not my dummies are worthless. Because you recast Wesley's part. Yeah, I did. Look, I know keeping Wesley's footage in the movie would have been a real touching tribute or whatever, but we'd need a shit ton of CGI to finish his scenes. And I'm not doing that to my movie. I'm just not. CGI looks like asshole. Everybody knows it. Bottom, huh? Sometimes some stuff looks all right. Stuff like dragons. So then, how did you guys start shooting again so fast? The studio asked me if I wanted to wait till they had another star. And I said, how about instead I cast an unknown we reshoot and when that insurance money clears, you put it all into my practical effects budget. They agreed. And just a couple hours ago, surprise, it cleared. There it was. Wesley's death got Nina the extra effects budget she wanted. She bono. Not to be like whatever about it, but did you kill Wesley Stern? Did I kill Wesley Stern? Yeah, I'm sorry. Why would I do that? So you get the insurance money. I'm sorry. Evan, I've removed my first three movies of backyard wrestling events. I self-funded for a decade. When money shows up, I know how to make a go where it needs to go, but I don't kill people. Okay, but I know offense the idea that a film director would kill her star to increase her effects budget is real fucking naive. All right, well, T-Shay, I guess then. This will be my biggest movie ever and I've got Wesley to thank. He found the script, he talked the studio into hiring me, and can you imagine the catch factor of the teen dance movie guy showing up all hard and scary in the second reel? Yeah, we've been kind of baller. That was all his idea. He could be a pain in the ass sometimes, but the guy loves making movies. Yeah, yeah, that's the Wesley I knew too. I spoke to him on the phone the day before he died, you know? I wish I could take back some of what I said. He sounded kind of sick. Far away. I think it was a drug thing. But wait, if Tobin's paid the full claim, doesn't that mean that they didn't find any drugs in him? Huh, good point. Anyway, I didn't kill him. Okay, I believe you. Did you kill him? No way. Okay, I believe you too. I instantly felt this incredible bond forming between me and Nina, the kind of bond that could only be shared by two people who did not kill Wesley Stern. After dinner, we sat on her porch inside by side hammocks and smoked a little pot. Dude, you've made up my mind, Evan. My next movie's going to be about a weight machine. A weight machine that eats people. Yeah, it'll probably be my best movie. Plus, it'll have the whole social commentary angle. People literally dying to get fit. Satire's great because it covers your ass when you just want to watch a bunch of hot people getting killed. Yeah, right. What was the deal with that machine anyway, but wasn't? The Straff Motor Ultima? Straff Motor. I feel like I've heard that name somewhere. Yeah, this Swedish guy sold it to me last year. His name was Engvar. I remember he had a really strong accent. Whenever I asked him to repeat anything, he'd say, keep up easy, right, Dar? Give me a huge discount, though, so I'd help out with word of mouth. When was this? September, October, maybe. Here's your pop-back. So, around when we filmed Wesley's normal body stuff? I guess. But Engvar never really finished showing me how to use it. There was a grill fire and Magda's kitchen was really bad. And we had to cut the demo short. I mean, after that, I basically never touched the thing again. I don't know when I would have set up a trainer password out. Evan, don't you see it? Someone wanted it to look like you did this. It's a setup. Oh, by who? Well, how about Engvar? Guy shows up out of the blue. Sounds your dangerous Swedish machine at a discount and then leaves without showing you how to use it. Yeah. Then when that machine kills a movie star, this guy's company tells the cops that it was done using a password that you never even set up. Hey, yeah. What the hell, Engvar? But why? I don't know to ruin your gym, something in your past revenge. Revenge? But I'm nice. Hang on. I knew it. Look, look at my phone. Oh, I'm looking. Straff motor's got a big showroom out of Monoray Park. I passed this place on the way to my warehouse. So tomorrow morning, let's go to that showroom and find this Engvar guy and I can research my movie. You're saying that we should... Let's shake this fuck off! Ow! I got admit, it felt real good to have somebody new on Team Evan. I slept like a baby in Nina's chill ass guest room that night. When we arrived at Straff motor early the next morning, a friendly Swedish man greeted us. I liked his style. Head to toe velocirware, all red and a super strong lean body. A lot like mine, actually. But his hands were ice cold. My name is Leo. I will be your guide into the world of Straff motor. May I have your names please so I can address you directly on occasion. Yeah, hey, I'm Nina. And your purpose? I was thinking about getting one of these for my house. Made a lot of money this year. Okay, here is your name tag and you. Oh, um, I'm... Lyle. Once again, I freaked myself out by instantly assuming the identity and exact personality of Lyle, my rival trainer from Grednau Gym. Lyle, the trainer. I don't know a really small gym in a bad part of town. Ah. And the two of you are lovers? Oh, what? No. No, no, no. I apologize. It's common in Sweden to ask this question when two people have no clear reason to be taking a tour together. Please follow me. Ask him. Ask him about Ingvar. Oh, yeah. Hey, Leo. I got referred to one of your sales guys. Is there a guy here named Ingvar? Ingvar. Oh, yes, of course. I remember Ingvar. He had to go back to Sweden. Sad circumstance. His mother got very sick and had but one request to see her sweet Ingvar space one last time. Please enter the viewing room. Inside were eight rows of seats set up in front of a movie screen that must have been 50 feet high. The lights went down and the screen lit up. Am I happy with how I look? I mean... Of course not. Look at me. Well, my line of work, you gotta look right and you gotta carry yourself a certain way. And lately, I'm just... I can't cut it. The thing is, I know I could be an entirely different person if I just got out of my own way, you know. Inside, I still feel like I'm the girl that I was when I was in high school. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I just... I think... What happened? Evan, are you... They're bodies hurt. Just then, a huge fist smashed through all the sad people. Enough! And an enormously ripped man stepped onto the screen. I am Prol Carvgot. Hey, that's Prol Carvgot. How did I get my amazing body? The hard way. Prol Carvgot was everything I wanted in an action movie star. He was completely ripped. He was foreign. He had a big bushy beard like a heavy metal Viking. He'd only made one movie, but it was one of the coolest I'd ever seen. Pistolarium. Believe it or don't, I used to look terrible also. Just six years ago, I was out of shape, sweetest nobody. No friends, no family, working a job where I turned trash into phones. My desperation drove me to punish my body until it changed. Then I achieved global thing as an American movie star, appearing in the hit film, Pistolarium. Yes! And the upcoming Silver Faced. Getting my body to this incredible place took amazing focus and willpower. But all you need to achieve your fitness goals is Strafmutter. Sit, perform, repeat, improve. Strafmutter! Sit, perform, repeat, improve. Strafmutter! Now, brace yourself to meet with our entire line of intelligent fitness machines. The Strafmutter Ultima. The Strafmutter Granite. And available for purchase next year, my signature machine, the Strafmutter Carvgot! The movie screen split down the middle and opened like a huge gate. Whoa! This is like Epcot! I loved Epcot. And behind the screen was a bright, clean-as-how showroom full of Strafmotors. Wonderful, aren't they? You can touch them if you like. Any one of these machines can transform your home or professional gym into a fitness wonderland. These things seriously looked like they were from the future. And seeing them up close, maybe when I'll buy one all over again. But I knew they had a darker side too. Sometimes they killed people. An Invar or no Invar. I was gonna find out why. The Body Genius will return in a moment. If you listen to a lot of this show, you know that a couple months ago, our family got a whole bunch of new furniture from a company called Article. They got new chairs. And what do you think of the new chairs? They look like sculptures. They look like sculptures. Article offers well-made modern furniture designed with a Scandinavian simplicity that even appeals to the very particular tastes of a two-year-old. What do you think of the new table? I never so much. No matter how many items, every order is shipped at a flat rate of $49. An In-Stock items can be expected in two weeks or less. An article is offering our listeners $50 off on their first purchase of $100 or more. Declaim, visit article.com slash truth, and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash truth to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. Article.com slash truth. Now back to the Body Genius. Yes. By now, you probably realize I'm the kind of guy who can stare at cool fitness equipment all day. But it was time to find out what these guys had on file about the machine that killed Wesley. So, um, hey Leo, if I did buy one of these and set it all up, would you guys have a record of my trainer password? That is a very strange question, Lyle, but yes, every machine has its own unique profile on our Strathnet bike. Oh yeah, tight, tight. Oh, Leo, do you mind if I use your restroom? Yes, of course, Lyle, through that door. Tight. Came up as a- Oh hey, Leo, come here a second. Hey, if this machine grew teeth, where do you think they come out of? I do not understand. As the cool Swedish techno got further and further away, I started to lose my confidence. Why did I try to make Nina think I knew how to hack computers? All the doors in this place said weird things on them, like fin and Sierra and mecanonsk. My brain felt dry as hell. I needed to hydrate. Hey, I ran into another Swedish dude by the water fountain. Something. Again, super chill and friendly. Haven't I say? But something bugged me about him. He was in decent shape, like most of the people I'd seen here, but his trap muscles rolled forward pretty brutally and his glutes were super flat, like a truckers. Then it hit me. That dude's got computer body. I knew he'd lead me straight to the strafnetwork. He went through a door that said technisk. I counted to ten in my brain and then went in. Inside was a long-ass row of people with headsets typing on computers. Okay, I am uploading the updated workout to your machine now. Has your platform begun to vibrate? I'm not like Mr. Smart Computer Guy, but it sure sounded like they were controlling people's machines from this room, like over the internet, I guess. I'm starting the machine to engage your abs and then the other stuff, not that. Can you feel it? Okay, sir, the leg extension board should now be resisting properly. Can you attempt to lift it? Okay, okay, keep that be easy, right, er. Ingvar? Yeah, Valar. It was Ingvar, all right. Saying what I later learned was a Swedish bad word. Just then... Oh, wait! Too big guys grabbing bunch of girls. Hey, that was Ingvar! You're strapped from the door. That was Ingvar! Ah, hello, Lyle. You were lost? Er, yeah, yeah, I guess so. Well, it's nice to have you back. Continue please, this way. Yes, Nina, they hit him from us and then they lied to us. Does that mean they know I were here? I don't know. Oh, god, this shit's for real. What am I doing here? I smoked too much pot. What do we do? What do we do? I don't know. And now, the most important part of your visits, an encounter with the Strath Motor Carvegot itself. Anciestly? The Carvegot looked just like the machine that crushed Wesley. Only bigger and meaner. I felt like if I strap myself into this thing, I might never come back out. Now, will one of you please climb inside so I can demonstrate her functionality? Uh, no, that's all right, man. I think we got all the info we need. Oh, but experiencing Strath Motor first-hand is the entire reason people visit our showroom. Unless the info you were looking for was in our computer room. No, we were just, um, uh... Well, say, forgive my paranoia. We have had incidents. Americans poking around looking for company secrets. My security team has even begun to carry firearms. Oh, what we have come to. So, who would like to try the machine? I'll try it. That's why I'm here. I've been very nervous. It's fine. It's okay. It's just a weight machine. I won't let it eat me. Wonderful. As you have seen, the Strath Motor machines configure themselves to perform almost any exercise imaginable. All right, here we are. Overhand, choice and extension. Super easy. With gestures and vibrations, the machines suggest proper execution. Even if you are a beginner, the entire gym comes to you. In time. Oh, whoa. Like this. It's not hard at all. And using the revolutionary trainer mode, I can create exercise combinations never before attempted. I should go. Oh, whoa. Okay. Here we go. Sense. Perform. Repeat. Improve. Huh. Reave. Huh. Reave. Huh. Huh. Reave. Wow. Lyle. You feel any great shape, Bob? Look at you. Go. Where is your limit, I wonder? Huh. Huh. Increase. Huh. In, in, in. Huh. Stop. What about? He's exhausted. Huh. Huh. Okay. I hope you enjoy the tour. Remember, our best advertisement is Word of mouth. Detective Taylor. Hey, it's Evan from Twin Anthels. Evan. Is one right right here from you? Yeah. I think I have some information on the whole Wesley situation. Really? Yeah. I mean, I don't have it all figured out yet, but I'm pretty sure- I'm sure you'll come by the station. We'll talk about it. Okay. That would rip. I'll be there in half an hour. Wonderful. I'll be expecting you. Okay. This is the right thing to do, Evan. You go any further without the cops and you're going to get hurt. Yeah. I just, I wish I knew what that word that Ingvar said to me meant. Y'all've lost. Oh man. Maybe it's the name of some kind of sweet or secret society. Look it up in your phone. Oh, hell yeah. That's a great idea. Oh, never mind. It's just a sweetest bad word. It's not even a clue at all. Shoot. Nina dropped me off down the street from the station. Thanks, Nina. I felt real optimistic. Like, if I just stayed focused, I'd be back on the right side of this whole deal. In a weird way, I even felt like I was helping Wesley out. But then, the sharp pain in the back of my head. I woke up drooling all gross on a rubber floor in a dark dusty room. I could see janky old flyweights and rusty-ass kettlebells on the floor. It was a gym, but one that somebody had bailed on years ago. My head was pounding. And there was an ache in my shoulder. Like, I'd been totally blasting just one delto. All day. And I wasn't alone. Hey, wake up. We're kidnapped, bro. Hey, hey, bro. I rolled him over. Nobody I knew. And it turned out I was only half right. I was kidnapped. But he was dead. Oh, come on. Not again. Police. Somebody had set me up. And right when I was about to unset up, the other set up. Y'all. Part four of the body genius is coming in two weeks. To hear more stories like this, go to thetruthpodcast.com. You can follow us on Twitter and Instagram. Our handle is the Truth Fiction. The Truth is a part of Radiotopia from PRX, the curated network of extraordinary, cutting-edge podcasts. You can learn more about all the Radiotopia shows at radiotopia.fm. And if you'd like to sponsor a future episode of the truth, send an email to sponsoratradiotopia.fm. Special thanks to the Magnet Theatre. They offer classes and shows on improv, sketch, and storytelling in New York City. Learn more at Magnet Theatre.com. For a full list of credits, visit our website, thetruthpodcast.com. The Truth.